Duane's Dartboard

I‘m hiring for a communications person to join my team here at the American Red Cross. With one week until we close the applications process, I’ve already received nearly 150 online resumes.

I am surprised and impressed with the quality of most of these individuals. Some I’ve known for years. In fact, I’ve hired some as interns or freelance writers. Some are people I’ve gotten to know through local professional organizations or clubs. They are all good people and very qualified professionals. The hard part will be narrowing the list and then selecting the final individual.

Then, there are the other applicants. (Sigh!)

These are the ones who will not be working for me. Unless their luck changes, they won’t be working soon for anyone else, either. I have gone through the entire listing of online applications just to get a feel for each candidate. In most cases, I have Googled the person’s name. Unbelievably, some people have no digital footprint, but I’ll save those rantings for another blog post. I shouldn’t judge invisible people. Perhaps they are part of the Federal Witness Protection Program and don’t want to be found.

Anyway, I was amused as I came across the following examples of vapid communications from people who are trying to present themselves as communications professionals. My purpose is not to make fun of the well-intentioned people who want to work with me, but rather to help job seekers to see their resumes through the glazed-over eyes of a hiring manager.

The following examples have not been edited. They were copied and pasted from the actual applications. A word of warning, though: If you plan to be awake at the end of this post, you will need an extra shot of caffeine. So sit back and enjoy…

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Objective: To use my skills to create a positive impact on people’s lives.

Everyone wants to make a positive impact, so tell me something new.

Objective: To obtain a challenging position in the field of event planning, fundraising, and/or program management in which I can use my organizational and interpersonal skills.

Next time read the job description. I’m not hiring for any of those positions.

Seeking a challenging opportunity where I may utilize my professional experience and educational background to enhance an organization’s overall goals and objectives through teamwork, excellent communication, extraordinary drive, and solid professionalism.

Sounds good, but that sentence has no more substance than stale cotton candy.

Objective: To lead a world-class customer focused organization and present a positive local company image by providing results in brand and education, with deliverable measurements. Background and professional experience in public relations, marketing and promotions, public speaking and event planning, as well as civic and community involvement.

I haven’t a clue what you’re looking for.

Obtain a position as a team-player in a people-oriented organization where I can maximize my experience in a challenging environment to achieve the corporate goals.

Did you copy and paste that from someone else’s resume. Seems like I’ve seen that before.

Multi-talented worker with years of experience, a self-starter, highly motivated: able to give and receive detailed instructions. Professional work ethic, with a genuine passion for her work.

With such a specific and differentiating description of who you are, I can almost envision you—over all the other candidates—being part of my team.

Objective: Seeking a position with a progressive company that allows advancement and opportunities to utilize my skills to accomplish company goals.

I’m getting bored!

CAREER OBJECTIVE: Find a challenging position enabling me to utilize my marketing and relationship building expertise.

You go, girl!

Profile Summary: Self-starting, goal-oriented individual whose perseverance, drive and dedication promote success. Demonstrates competence and poise in professional and social settings.

So, what does that mean? You don’t belch in public?

Able to work under pressure and meet deadlines.

100% of job applicants will say the same thing. How are you differentiated from them?

SUMMARYOF QUALIFICATIONS: I am an effective team leader with great time management and communication skills.

Who isn’t?

Creative and out-of-the-box thinker with 15+ years of marketing communications experience. Possess consistent record of developing and implementing high-impact marketing collateral to drive product revenues and profitability. Known for ability to reorganize and improve services and systems as well as successfully coordinate business projects. Expertly leverage technology to support enterprise- wide marketing and communications initiatives. Exhibit solid writing, editorial, and verbal communication expertise. Performance- focused and ambitious leader who inspires teams to work collaboratively to achieve organization goals.

If you’re a communicator, you certainly did not demonstrate your communications skills with that glob of verbosity.

CAREER OBJECTIVE: My objective is to obtain full-time employment that best utilizes my skill set.

Good luck, but you’re wasting my time!

SKILLS AND MOTIVATION: I am a motivated self starter with a degree in education. I’m confident that I have much to contribute towards a support unit, with high energy, good communication skills, and a positive outlook on life. I enjoy people, and I’m ready to get to work for a company who makes a difference in the world.

So, you enjoy people and want to make a difference in the world? Finally, I’ve found what I’ve been looking for! When can you start?

My eighth grade English teacher taught me an important lesson that profoundly affects how I communicate today, decades later.

The class assignment was simple. We had to stand in front of the class and tell a story.

We could select any story, but we had to tell the tale within five minutes. That can be a frightening experience, especially for most self-conscious eight graders like me. Fortunately, we were given several days to practice our storytelling in private before that dreadful moment when we had to stand before our peers.

Sounds simple, right? Well, hold on! The teacher had a surprise that made the storytelling in front of our classmates the easiest part of the assignment.

After we had each delivered our presentations, the teacher announced that we would be telling our stories again. Actually, he told us we were scheduled to make our presentations two more times—once in front of a classroom of innocent second graders, and then to a roomful of intimidating 10th graders.

Quite frankly, I’ve forgotten most of the details of my story but two things I vividly remember. First, I can still see the second graders as they sat there with wide-eyed anticipation looking up to me, a mature eighth grader. Second, I recall how too many of the 10th graders rolled their eyes in boredom and looked down on me, a puny underclassman.

That was not a fun experience. In retrospect, though, most of my best learning has come during times I would not classify as “fun.” Ultimately, the assignment taught me to speak with confidence, to practice in private before speaking in public and to focus on core messages to fit the most important items into a specified time slot.

The most valuable lesson, though, was this:  Every story must be told differently to different audiences.

I’m grateful that my English teacher helped me to realize that one size never fits all.

The best communication happens when the message is tailored to the unique interests of a targeted audience. Otherwise, it will completely miss the mark.

In my early days as a professional communicator, a mentor told me, “If you aim your message at no one in particular, don’t be surprised if no one in particular responds.”

A communicator who thinks he or she can communicate to everyone in the same way is naive and feckless. A PR professional who disseminates information without tailoring the message to a specific audience is a fool.

Contrary to popular belief, there is no such thing as the “general public.”

Two years ago my “inner geek” was elated! I finally had devised a system that freed me from the confines of Microsoft Outlook.

Using a Google App with my own domain name, I configured 100% of my email—representing six different accounts—to flow through one inbox. I also began using Google calendars exclusively to store and organize my appointments.

More than a year ago I opined in a blog post that “we are veering towards obsolescence if we are still anchored to Outlook or to a Franklin-Covey planner for either our personal or work calendars.”

Ironically, this week I have been swept back into that platform because of my employer’s nationwide standardization of information technology. Fortunately, the new, cloud-based system—Microsoft Office 365—is different and better in many important ways.

I actually welcome the move and understand the thinking of those who made this decision. Yet I believe that one size never fits all.

At the risk of sounding like a cantankerous curmudgeon, I still feel compelled to devise my own systems within the architecture that others have imposed upon me. As I have become more digitally-savvy, I realize that my data must meet certain criteria. My digital world must be:

1. Cloud-based. One of the reasons I hated Outlook was that it anchored me to a clunky office computer. I needed for all of my important data to be readily available on any device at any time and in any location. I became an early adopter of Google Docs for that very reason, though I’ve since found much better options.
2. Synced. I want my phone, my office computer, my laptop and my tablet to sync data so that any updates on one device will automatically show up real-time on every piece of hardware I use. Read the rest of this entry »